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mabofwinterdark in aamuses

7.4 Accepting your flaws vs. asking a Higher Power to remove them?

They are both just an excuse most of the time. An excuse not to change or an excuse as to being too weak to do it yourself.

What is accepting your flaws? People tend to say the words when they’re tired of fighting the battle with themselves. Done battling their addictions, ready for that extra bottle of vodka in their cabinet no one is aware of, the hooker no one has to know about, the drugs hidden in the tank of the toilet. It’s a lovely little lie. But it is just short of entirely useless.

There’s the other side of it, of course. People who really did accept the faults and inclinations that will be nipping at their heels for the rest of their lives. That kind of acceptance is useful to a person who wants to begin to start over. Everyone has weakness that might be exploited if given half a chance. Accepting that you have them is the first step to controlling them. The first step to recovery and all that.

What is asking a higher power to take those flaws away? Half the time it’s an excuse from a person without any faith. Look at me, I’m in church, I must be repenting my sins and trying to do the best thing a person could. Bullshit. There are people of true faith, people even a sinner like myself can respect for the purity of their belief. Most of them are not. Most of them just want another comfortable lie.

There are others, of course. Others who believe just enough to say, ‘But it isn’t my fault.’ If you’re going to act, be woman enough to own your own actions. Or man, or whatever is politically correct these days. I find myself not caring much. That is one of the reasons I don’t have a faith in a greater power. I don’t need an excuse or a crutch. People who do are often the easiest to manipulate. I refuse to be toyed with like that. It’s weak. I’m tired of weakness. Growing tired of humanity. Wondering why I continue to stick with this very human program.

I know my weakness, I’ve known for quite some time. So I come once a month and do the next step in the program. What’s the point? Hi, I’m Mab, I’m a sex addict. Again. There have been no slips, no mistakes. The closest I came was when my husband I were attempting something like divorce and I wouldn’t even let him rest a hand on my knee. I’ve been domesticated. Frankly, lovely as the available crowd is, the last time I flirted I got bored with the person within ten minutes. A casual screw just doesn’t appeal like it did.

Maybe that’s why. Causal sex has never been the big problem for me with relationships. Well, my casual sex. Auberon’s screwed things up rather largely. The relationships always survived the casual flings. It was the next man, the one I could have a relationship that led to the problems. The one who might be better at the intimacy thing. Two people in a row. I actually moved up on the scale, which is disturbing if you know them personally. Maybe that’s why I keep coming here.

The casual flings were never about sex. Well, some of them were. But what is sex? Physical release mingling with intimacy on some levels. It’s entirely possible I’m not a sexual addict per say, but a person addicted to intimacy. I’m...actually receiving enough that the causal is not necessary. There is something strange in saying that. Intimacy is not just about the pleasure centers in the brain, it’s about something...different. Trust and relationship and love. Not a bad thing to need. Definitely a person thing.

Keeping what I have is worth this. Only another five steps and I’m ‘cured’. Yes, I know, no such thing as cured. But you know damned well what I mean. Another five steps to go. I can live with it.
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