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(Don't) Trust Me

the_deathofme in aamuses

Step Seven - Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Who will you be if your addictive shortcomings are removed?

"Edward."

I looked down at Bella, asleep and talking again. It was like this every night. I would follow her home while she wasn't aware of it and then slip undetected into her bedroom, sit on the chair and watch as she tossed and turned.

My name on her lips was like heaven and hell at once, both condemning me yet giving me hope that Bella perhaps, could love a monster like me.

Once she became aware of my presence, she asked for more, though, and I would lie on her bed, holding her in my arms as she slept while I remained awake, ever watching.

Mine. She was mine, I had decided by that point. How utterly selfish of me to think so, and yet I was not about to tear myself away from her. I would sing Bella's lullaby to her whenever she asked -- and sometimes when she didn't. In my arms, the warmth of her blood and body was easier to bear than her scent, the one that always called me forth and brought murderous thoughts to my mind.

How can one want to both kill and love the same creature?

I would ask the Almighty for help, but how can there be hope if vampires have no eternal soul?

I am damned to love and destroy her, this creature that is mine and no one else's, this girl who loves me so unselfishly and should not. She should run from me and instead she clings tightly to me, causing me to rethink my entire world.

"Edward."

I stroked her hair as she spoke my name once again and wished for the thousandth time that I was human. To be human for her, for then I would not be able to harm her in any way. Of course, what sort of man would I be if I was human? I'm not the best or noblest of vampires, despite what Bella thinks of me.



If I was human, I wouldn't be able to protect her from herself, either, or from anything else that would hurt her.

If I was not selfish, then I might not wish to protect her so badly or keep her as mine and mine alone.

"Edward...?"

"Shh, love. I'm here. I'll always be here," I whispered to her as she turned in my arms once more and I decided then and there that I was the worst liar in all the world. I would not be there if she did not wish it or if it would hurt her. Perhaps... perhaps I was learning to lose my possessiveness after all.

"I love you, Edward..."

I smiled at that and said nothing.

Perhaps I was only a liar to myself, then.



Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
457
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